Fostering an Atmosphere of Love in the Home as Imitators of God

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC66" FACE="Arial" ><B>For The Believers In The Body Of Christ</B></FONT><B>     |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="For The Believers In The Body Of Christ"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id391.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Message Outline (Parenting)"><U>Message Outline (Parenting)</U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id394.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Parents are Responsible for Their Childr"><U>Parents are Responsible for Their Children</U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id395.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Putting Our Children under the Moral Law"><U>Putting Our Children under the Moral Law</U></A><B>   |   </B><B>Fostering an Atmosphere of Love in the Home as Imitators of God</B><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id397.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Always Dealing with Ourselves First"><U>Always Dealing with Ourselves First</U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id398.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="On the Spiritual Side of Parenting"><U>On the Spiritual Side of Parenting</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000" background="02ad2c00dkelyh.gif"> <div> <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spiritual Food"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Spiritual Food</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id47.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Psalms, Hymns Spiritual Songs"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Psalms, Hymns & Spiritual Songs</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id147.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Gospel Outreach"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Gospel Outreach</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id159.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Us"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"About Us"</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id186.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Contact Us</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id187.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Related Links"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Related Links</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id639.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="JESUS IS LORD!"><U><B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b7011899330000.gif" HEIGHT="19" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">JESUS IS LORD!</B></U></A></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div>  </div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Fostering an Atmosphere of Love in the Home as Imitators of God</I></div> <div> Parents must foster an atmosphere of LOVE in the HOME by being “imitators of God as beloved children.”<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Times New Roman" > - Ephesians 5:1; Galatians 5:6</FONT></div> <bR> <div>      God does everything in the principle of love.  This understanding is very critical for parents to grasp in raising their children.  God's love has two sides.  Number one, God is always able to create an atmosphere in which you feel encouraged, you feel inspired, you feel like you do not have any problems.  And number two God cares what is best for us and for our children.</div> <bR> <div>      God is interesting in His operation and not at all like us fallen human beings.  Isn't it amazing how we brothers and sisters can follow the Lord at all?  If God were to bring the Old Testament measuring rod down, objectively we would measure very poor as Christians on the scale.  If someone were to do a checklist of the way we are living we would surely have more checks in the “not making it” column than in the “making it” column.  But for some reason we just do not feel condemned before the Lord.  Even we sense that we still might make it.  Praise the Lord!  That is the love of God.  The love of God always makes you feel encouraged and not full of anxiety.  God, in His love, speaks to us, “I'm going do everything for you.  You just accept my cleansing, my forgiveness, my justification, my washing away of so many things, and come forward to the throne of grace.  I will supply you grace.  I will supply you mercy.”  He always creates an atmosphere that is so positive.  If we want a model of positive people, God is at the top of the list.  He just knows how to inspire, to encourage, and to warm us.</div> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Times New Roman" >     God also cares what is best for us.  He is not a mush ball who goes around hugging all the time.  God will hug us, BUT for the purpose of making sure that we are going to become a full grown son of God.  So Hebrews 12:6-8 says, “</FONT>For whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and <U>He scourges every son</U> whom He receives.''  7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons. For what son is there whom the father does not discipline?  8 But if you are without discipline, of which all sons have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Times New Roman" >.”  These verses show God as a disciplining Father who "spanks" His sons.  He arranges things in our life, even difficult things to hedge us in.  We may cry out to Him, but He will respond, “I am going to arrange things because I don't want you to remain an immature child.  I want you to grow up into Christ in a normal, healthy way.  I want you to know Christ in a deeper way.  I want you to be conformed to the image of Christ.  I want the renewing of your mind.”</FONT></div> <bR> <div>      Externally God will arrange all kinds of environments to match the work of the Spirit within us.  His inward work requires us to pass through suffering, difficulties, unknown things, etc. so we can grow our roots deeper.  In the difficult process we learn more of who He is, and more of who He is gets wrought or worked into our being.  Little by little we grow from one stage of maturity in our lives to another.  Without this process we remain in our fallen, natural, untransformed condition in which we will never know God's purpose and never be able to accomplish God's blessed purpose in our lives.  One example of this is with our children.  No one loves our children like we parents, yet by exercising our “old man” who is fallen, natural and untransformed, we end up chasing them away from a living Christ into the world or into a religious life without Christ.  Only in Christ can we nurture our children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.</div> <bR> <div>      Galatians 5:6 says, “<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#BF0000" FACE="Times New Roman" >Faith operates in love</FONT>.”  When we talk about loving our children we must be in the proper realm, the realm of faith. We will not know how to love our children unless we firstly come to the Word and secondly by the Spirit seek what the Word means practically and presently.  Everything in the Christian life must be a matter of faith in Christ, yet if we are honest we must admit we do so little out of genuine faith.</div> <bR> <div>      As a quick aside, I am sharing here broad principles according the Word and the Spirit, and I am burdened to speak these kinds of messages because we are very short of the principles of God's Word, and then we are even more short of taking God's principles and applying the Spirit.  Many times we seek the Word and find some principle to match our situation, but neglect a further seeking of the Spirit to apply those principles to our life as God intended.  Also many times we seek the Spirit and have a lot of feeling before the Lord, yet we lack the principles in His Word.  So we have our kind of idea of how to follow the Lord, but lack the Lord's vision, the Lord's way and the Lord's supply.  </div> <bR> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Parenting is an exercise that is reflective of the Triune God</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      All the things God demands of us in His Word are based on who He is.  When we get born again we receive who He is.  Consider this for a moment.  As God challenges us with His Word, “<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#BF0000" FACE="Times New Roman" >Love one another</FONT>,” He is actually telling us that inside of us is the capacity to love one another.  He is NOT like a teacher who will say, “Here is a mathematics problem.  Now do it.”  That mathematics problem is not inside of you yet. What God does is too marvelous and mystical:  He regenerates us, putting all of His own life with all of its capacities and all of its abilities inside of us!  Then He will tell us to do something like love one another because His life which loves one another is inside of us, and if we touch that life and live by that life we can do what He asks of us.  Naturally speaking it is like parents who are both Olympians.  It is easy to tell their children, “Be an athlete.”  Why? Because it's in their genes.  The life capacity is already within the child.  Likewise, I have the boldness to share these matters with you because you are born again. All the principles that we are drawing out of the Word here are the very life capacities that are already existing inside of you.  The crucial matter will be how they can be worked out in our living with our children.  This is determined by our seeking of the Lord.  </div> <bR> <div> LIKE GOD THE FATHER</div> <div>      Ephesians 1:4-5; Hebrews 12:5-11</div> <bR> <div> <B>Parenting is like God the Father conveying to each of His children his or her own preciousness</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Parents, like God, are full of assurance and commitment:  full of hope, understanding, supportive, kind, and sensitive in lowliness and meekness, long-suffering and patient</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Times New Roman" >. </FONT></div> <bR> <div>      Can you see a little picture of the proper father in Christ?  To him every child is always wonderful.  As fallen human beings we always see what is wrong with our kids, and we emphasize that.  For example, our children can come home with 5 A's and 1 C.  What do we talk to them about? the C.  We are such the antithesis of God the Father.  God the Father would say, “Five A's!  Oh, mommy come here quick!  Look, five A's!  We're so proud of you.”  And once the atmosphere is so warm and happy He would address the C for a short time because it is minor compared to the five A's.  Similarly with us, God will come to us in a way so we are so happy and filled with life and joy.  Then He will say, “You know you need to apologize.”  And quickly we don't retort or argue, but have the grace to respond, “Oh, yes, Lord, I was wrong and I need to apologize.”  But consider if He came to us with a big stick and angry face and demanded that we firstly APOLOGIZE before receiving anything from Him.  We would all shrink back and tremble for fear just as the Israelites did at Mount Sinai with the giving of the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament.  They heard thunder, saw lightning and were given horrifying warnings.  But today in the New Testament age, with God there is warmth, love, reassurance, and acceptance just the way we are.  We respond, “Oh, Lord Jesus, I love You.  Praise the Lord!”  We will come to the point where we are just loving the Lord and enjoying Him and then a little light will come.  God the Father will say, “Ahem, by the way, you need to take care of something.”  And when He points it out, we immediately say, “Oh, amen, Lord.  You're right.”  In this way there is the supply to meet the demand of making something right.  Do you see that with God, He is primarily positive? God is primarily positive!  It is just amazing.</div> <bR> <div>      The devil knows that God operates in this way so his main strategy is condemnation and accusation.  “You blew it again.  You will never make it!  I ask you to do something and you always louse it up.”  Because of this God hates the enemy so much.  Our church life should not be a place of judgment because this is opposite to who God is.  The whole atmosphere of the church life, like the atmosphere in the family life, is POSITIVE.  An encouraging, reassuring church life is filled with “we're going to do this and we're going to do that because the Lord has spoken to us in love.”  This is the atmosphere that God the Father brings us into.  So let me ask you:  Can you see that this kind of living is not you?  It's not me, either.  Saints, we need to seek the living God that we would convey the proper loving, positive, God-kind of atmosphere to our children.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Parents exercise discipline to bring children to their highest potential first humanly then spiritually </B></div> <bR> <div>      Again, in our fallen nature we will argue back, “Hey, are you saying we just allow our children to do anything they want?”  No.  No.  No.  We do not allow everything, but we practice and live God's life of love with our children.  Love never leaves the children where they are at, but seeks to bring our children to maturity stage by stage in an atmosphere of love and positive encouragement.  In this kind of atmosphere we can shape our children.  We love our one-year old child, but it would be abnormal if they stayed at a one year old maturity level for 30 years!  We always seek for them to advance and progress in life and maturity.</div> <bR> <div>      It is much harder to get the momentum going than it is to teach people.  If you have older children and you want them to learn how to study or do better in school, it is hard to get it started because you are dealing with so much negative momentum, non-momentum, or inertia at rest.  We often see this in teenagers who have not been trained and nurtured all along in their lives; to get that whole thing going in order to shape them is very hard. However, once the momentum is positive and the student feels positive about themselves, happy about the way they are going on, they are making success in school, they are accomplishing things, then the shaping becomes easy.  You have some momentum built up with them.  You are positive and life is going forward and the kids want help.  They realize there is a goal to reach and desire more kind of help.</div> <bR> <div>      I would like you to look at God's psychology.  God works to make our Christian life so positive.  He constantly reminds us, “Don't worry about anything.  I died on the cross.  I took away your sins.  I crucified your old man.  My life can transform you.  My life can conform you.  My life can overcome in you.  My life can make you fruitful.  My life can make you positive.  And we respond, “Praise the Lord!”  Now we are positive and now the Lord can shape us little by little.  He can come to us so tenderly and mention, “You know, the way that you talk to your son is not so good.”  And we desire to please Him and realize He has a good point.   We take the correction with no problem because already you are going forward positively.  The Lord may say, “Remember when you talked to your colleague the other day?  You were really obnoxious.  You must have stuffed fifteen verses down his throat before he said a word to you.”  We say, “Oh, Lord Jesus, I need to learn from You.”  This is the Lord's discipline, and it is effective because He already got us going in a positive direction; we're going forward, and things are going on positively in our Christian life.  This is when the Father can come in with His disciplining hand.  </div> <bR> <div>      This is the way God does things. Likewise in the household atmosphere we need to create such a positive environment.  Our kids are wonderful.  Our kids are great.  We're proud of them.  We tell them, “You are the best daughter any father can have.  You are the best son any father can have.  Look how you are growing!”  Sometimes we need to forget about how real it is, but we often have a little problem doing that.  Yet, God believes in us by faith.  He sees the end product.  Remember Balaam? God did not allow Balaam to curse the children of Israel even though at that time they were not in good shape. They were in poor shape.  But God said, “I don't care” and would not allow Balaam to curse the children of God.  On the contrary, Balaam had to speak positively about the children of God.</div> <bR> <div>      Well, can you see God's psychology?  He is so positive.  Your child may be at the bottom of the class and you still need to speak to them by faith.  “Oh, that's nothing.  Just wait.  You are going to do this and you are going to do that.”  We create something so positive.  Then the child begins to believe in himself.  This is a secular kind of belief.  The child says within, “My confidence comes from my mom and dad.  My encouragement comes from my mom and dad.”  Then the willingness to take the discipline, the willingness to take adjustment, is much easier.  </div> <bR> <div> LIKE GOD THE SON</div> <div>      Romans 5:8; Titus 3:4-5; Hebrews 4:14-16; 1 Peter 2:21</div> <bR> <div> <B>Parents always accept the children for what they are and what they can do</B></div> <bR> <div>      Brothers and sisters this always is hard on us the older the children get. They are just not as wonderful as we hoped they would be.  You know it is a funny thing about parents. Whatever we couldn't do we insist the kids do. Whatever we could not accomplish, we insist the kids accomplish and we are demanding about it. Somebody needs to play a video of our life when we were that age. Just to remind you the way things really are.  So, what does the Lord do?  In the type of the Son, He just cares for our children exactly the way they are; for what they are and what they can do; reaching them where they are and instilling faith, not spiritual faith, but a belief in themselves and confidence; creating a can-do atmosphere.  An atmosphere of “I can” among our children.</div> <bR> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Reaching children where they are at and instilling “faith” and confidence</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      There have been quite a number of psychological studies along this line.  It's interesting that even the things they discover in psychology and education are all found in the Bible.  It's more like they discover what has been there for thousands of years already.  For a child to grow into his teen years with a positive view of life, wanting to try things and experiment, taking new kinds of classes or having new adventures, this stems from the atmosphere created at home.  </div> <bR> <div>      As parents we should endeavor to produce a positive atmosphere with lots of support and feelings of “you can do it,” and “go ahead and try.”  When parents instill a sense of confidence without judgment or condemnation, then children will try things.  They will become risk takers who can work "outside of the box."  They will join things or participate in things outside of the secure little, sheltered box.  They are willing to venture out a little bit because of the confidence that is instilled in them at home.  I don't know if the psychologists explain it this way but I think Biblically we would explain it as you feel self assured, you feel confident, you feel loved, you feel backing from others, you feel support, and therefore, you are not afraid to try things because you have a "cushion of love" to fall back on.  </div> <bR> <div> <B>     Parents creating a “can do” atmosphere in the home</B></div> <bR> <div>      Similarly, I know many of you are concerned about your children in high school getting involved in sinful things or immoral things. You will do more to keep your children out of sinful and immoral things by creating in your children a confidence based on a positive atmosphere towards life rather than using a strong hand and just telling them “no.”  If you tell them no drugs, no smoking, no drinking or no dancing alone it won't last that long.  The slogan, “just say no” only works temporarily at best unless it is backed up by something positive that they have to do.  So when they grow up proactively doing things and trying things with mom and dad's positive reinforcement, backing, and encouragement then they want to do things and their life is full and fulfilling.  This corresponds to their God-given humanity.  The more they grow up according to their God-given humanity, the more positive they are about life because it matches who they are.  </div> <bR> <div> Even consider us adults.  On one hand none of us love to go to work, but on the other hand when you put in eight or ten hours and get something accomplished you feel good about yourself.  You feel whole and you feel complete.  Why? that is your God-given humanity.  So psychologists found that the more the children have that kind of an attitude, then not only are they positive to do things but on the negative side when the opportunities to be with the sinful crowd or to do sinful things come up, they don't want to mess up what they have going for them.  Life is too positive.  They do not need the approval of a bunch of kids sinning.  You know some will say, “Come on, you'll be our buddy.  Let's go get drunk.  Be our buddy.”  If my self confidence in life is not built up, and I'm not positive toward life; if I'm not actively doing things, then what am I going to do?  I want other people to like me.  So, in this case what is the way they are going to like me?  I go out and get drunk with my “buddies.”  </div> <bR> <div>      Do you follow God's way of reasoning in this whole principle?  I am not saying that the kids will still not do naughty things.  Don't misunderstand me if your child does go out drinking.  The point I am making is a general principle.  Sin will still always come in every once in awhile but it's hard to abide in the sin.  There's a big difference.  But the more that “can do” atmosphere is present for our children the more they enjoy the progress in life, the growth in life, the development of their life and can not only reach farther in a positive way but also avoid the negative.</div> <bR> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Parents rewarding positives and helping them to press forward </B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Being their high priest, encouraging them, standing with them, supplying them</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      Kids need this a lot in Junior High and High School.  They don't quite know who they are or what they are in Junior High, whether they are the human species or what.  It is just hard for them to figure out where they are at.  This is when they annoy us the most.  They annoy teachers the most at this age.  They annoy parents the most.  They are trying to figure out who they are.  That's when they start “kicking against the pricks” at home.  This is when they need a “High Priest,” so to speak, humanly.  You walk them through this time.  It does not become confrontational.  In the early teen years it is so typical in American homes, and it is tragic that the divide begins to come.  Mom and Dad are confronting their son or daughter.  You just watch until they are eighteen and they say, “When I get eighteen I'm out of here.  I hate you.  I hate everything.”  They just want to take off.  I don't know if it is so bad that they take off for a period of time because that experience is good too.  However, the enmity developed between the parents and them is unhealthy. </div> <div>  </div> <div>      To be their high priest encouraging them, standing with them, supplying them is finding a way to “bridge that gap.”  They don't know who they are and Dad and Mom are a helper not an antagonist.  That is hard.  If we want to talk about needing Christ, we really need Christ for this!</div> <bR> <div> <B>     Parents exercising ourselves to be their model and prototype</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Times New Roman" >We cannot go beyond or ask our children to do more than we can morally.  Sometimes that also includes them knowing that we make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with that. </FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <div> LIKE GOD THE SPIRIT</div> <div>      John 14:17; Romans 8:26-27</div> <bR> <div> <B>Parents being their “paraclete” who come alongside the children, raising them up to higher and higher standards as human beings. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Being their careful and diligent disciplinarians, teaching and training the children in all environments with all kinds of people.</B></div> <bR> <div>      Now we have two things:  being close to our children as their “paraclete,” raising them to higher and higher standards as human beings, yet also being their careful and diligent disciplinarian.  On the one hand, loving our children means to receive them, understand them and even if they do ten things bad you always try to find the one good thing.  Some parents can misread this and let their kids grow up anyway the kids want.  No, actually we are very demanding.  We should have the highest standard for our children as human beings.  </div> <bR> <div>                <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Communication</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      How do you create this?  The main factor that God uses with us is communication.  In the spiritual realm we call this kind of communication:  fellowship.  The interesting thing with God is that He never permanently cuts the bonds of fellowship with us.  No matter how far away a person can be from God the doorway to talk to God is always open.  And God ensures it.  God's love is manifested in our ability to always be able to talk with Him.  He is also the one who pays the price for this kind of communication.  For instance, we may get mad at times to the point of “hating” God and say we will never go to a church meeting, and then try to do whatever we want.  Yet, God is right there.  He is still kind, tender, thoughtful, and considerate because He knows if the communication is there, if the fellowship is there, He can save us.  What becomes the most tragic thing with a believer is when they get so condemned or defeated, that they believe God no longer loves them.  They believe there is no way they can make it.  In a sense God is frustrated now because He has no way to help them.  However, even if someone is the worst sinner around, if the line of communication is open, God can come in and gradually turn their situation back to Himself.  </div> <bR> <div>      A point from Watchman Nee parallels this thought:  the number one thing you need with your children particularly in their junior high and high school years is communication.  This requires a price.  When your little Johnny or your little Julie is young they do whatever you tell them to do when you tell them to do it.  You do not reason with a six year old. You tell them, “Son, let me explain why your mother and I discipline you like this in our house.”  No, you just tell them, “Son, you do it or you are going to get spanked.”  They learn.  However, as they get older that doesn't work so well.  So now what happens?  The communication has to be built up.  We produce a warm, loving, understanding, intimate, kind, and respectful communication with our children just as the Lord establishes with us.  </div> <bR> <div>      As our children get a little older they sometimes like to get “under our skin.”  You may be pushing them to excel in school so you say, “Son, what would you like to be?”  He knows you want him to be a doctor, but he will just say, “I am going to dig ditches.”  There's a boy I know who is brilliant; the valedictorian of his high school.  His parents, of course, want him to go to Harvard or MIT or Stanford.  He argued with his mom one day and said “You just want me to go to a top college so you can tell the brothers and sisters where I go to school!”  This is very interesting.  He is choosing to go to a very average college.  When I asked him where he was going he said it snidely to see what my reaction was.  I said, “Ooh, that is a good school.”  It kind of made him mad because he wanted to get me mad just like he is trying to get his mom and dad mad.  You know what I learned?  Now they are at an age when they are going to do their own thing.  Do we just agree with this?  No.  But to demand, “No!  You are not going there!  I'll tell you where you are going.”  That drives a wedge between your son and you in terms of communication.  You may have to have a breakfast and reopen the communication.  “So, you want to go to that college?  That's a good decision.”  Often, the son gets disarmed.  “Really?”  And the conversation becomes more practical.  “You may not make the same money as someone else who may make $100,000.  Maybe you will make $25,000.  But still it's a good school.”  Communication needs to be gentle. </div> <bR> <div>                <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Learning to respect our children</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      As parents we learn to respect the fact that our children are becoming grown persons.  This happens as early as twelve to fourteen years old.  You have to understand the logic here.  Otherwise you will think I am being too liberal and allowing kids to do whatever they want.  I am not.  I am for very strict discipline and raising children to have the highest standards.  But I also know that as maturity in age comes, God honors human choice.  God is so big.  He will never make us follow Him.  He gives you choice to live any way you want.  Of course, <B>He will do whatever he can to have the communication He desires</B>.  He will humble himself, ingratiate himself, and do everything for us.  We may be so worldly and pray for more money to buy luxuries.  God will say, “Well, if more money will help us communicate, I'll give you more money.”  Sometimes I pray for things that are not right, I should not pray that way, but He gives them to me.  God says, “It's not that big of a thing and I like you.”  God knows that once He establishes communication with us He can bring us on to salvation.  So He is quite broad because He will give us choices.   To Him it is nothing if He forces people to do something.  The grandeur of God is His broadness.  He will not force us to do anything, but give us the choice.  However, He will visit us in His humiliation, in His incarnation and will talk to us honestly, but gently.  “Do you really think that to own such things is really valuable?  It will only lasts a brief time before I destroy it.”  God doesn't insist, He honors a person's choice.  Yet, through His kind of communication He gains us little by little.</div> <bR> <div>      I am sure all of you have been touched by financial concerns or your standard of living.  Recently I was seriously considering a career change because I was fed up with my present position.  I went out to look for jobs, and on the way I had a sense to sing a song to the Lord so I would have the Lord's presence in the interview.  I then had a clear speaking from the Lord after telling Him that I failed and was letting Him down.  He said, “I don't care.  If you want this change, that is fine.  If you feel to stay where you are that is fine also.  It doesn't matter.  I'll still love you.”  I was overcome and wept to the Lord.  I said, “Lord, you mean if I change jobs nothing between us will change?”  He responded, “Nothing.”  I felt such peace and immediately went back to my old job.  Likewise, many times God tells us to live the way we want and acts as if He doesn't care.  This alarms us, but it shows God's broadness.  Why do I share this?  Because I want to get the point across to you that as our children become human beings with their own personality and with their own way of looking at things, our relationship with them changes.  How?  Not concerning our authority with our children, but with having to struggle anew to establish a line of communication with them.  </div> <bR> <div>      When our children begin to like the opposite sex that is time we need to have a good relationship with them.  We need to find some way to communicate with them.  Maybe take them to breakfast or lunch.  Maybe take them for ice cream.  All for the purpose of being warm, loving, kind, tender, thoughtful, and considerate for the sake of communication.  I know when my wife is having a serious talk with the girls she would be in bed reading a book and one of the girls would be at the foot of the bed and I knew what they were talking about.  They would say, “I kind of like this boy.”  Mom would ask, “Are they ready for marriage?”  “Well, no.”  Mom would continue by discreetly placing little thoughts in the conversation. “Well, does he make any money?”  “No, he's only sixteen.”  “Oh, I see.  Well, you know what happens when you are too close?  You begin holding hands and holding hands leads to something more and the next thing you know you could be eighteen, married, and have a kid on the way.”  The conversation always ended up the same way:  “Okay, mom, I'll wait.”  But my wife gave the kids the right to think.  They had the right to be a certain condition without being cut off.  Then through the conversation, through the talk, we put our reasoning into them.</div> <bR> <div>                <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Giving our children “room”</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div>      Once a person realizes you accept him or her the way they are and that you will even give them “room” to have their own opinions and their own views, they become open for communication.  My son had all of his views about how his life was going to develop and shared them with me.  I took a deep breath and gulped.  Then, I said, “Oh, Okay, why don't we go get something to eat.”  We went out to get something to eat so we could talk.  First I let him know that his thoughts sounded good, even interesting.  I had to give him the ground to grow.  He is beginning to be an adult and I have to give him more room for his ideas.  Yet at the same time I asked him if he had thought about certain things specifically.  “Have you thought about this option?  Or that option?”  “No, I hadn't thought about that.  That's a good idea.”  Something begins to be put inside of him.  This kind of communication brings them into a desire to obey you but not by the way of authority (e.g. dictatorship) but by the way of gaining their reasonings that put them on the path for their best growth.  </div> <bR> <div>      Once a person has the choice to do whatever they want then they can respond to something of the divine life and they can respond to healthy reasoning.  We are all like this.  If I begin to tell you that what you are doing is entirely wrong and you need to do what I say, all of you would be ready to fight back.  No one would feel like receiving what I have to offer.  From one stand point when you talk to your kids and give them room to think differently and to act differently, you would think this is too liberal or loose.  Yet, it is not at all.  This kind of communication shows that we realize the way God made us.  Once a person feels they have direction in life, purpose in life, and are heading somewhere in life especially as they are growing up, they have the sense that they are adults.  At this point, we treat them as an adult and they will be open to learn.  They will be open to get something inside of them that can direct them.  This is especially important during the teen years.  They need input concerning all the different dangers and temptations and sinfulness that can come in or just channels that can make them go down the wrong direction.  However, they are not going to listen unless there is open communication. </div> <bR> <div>      Every parent has to find their own way to produce open communication.  I am not a very warm person so it is hard for me to have a warm conversation.  So I have to find the way that works for me with my children.  I have always been the one who was strict, and I gave the spankings when they were little so when they got to be in their teens I had to find my way to be so close with them; like good friends.  Yet you don't loose the sense of authority; I am still their dad.  We all have to find our way because we all have different personalities, and different relationships with our kids.  One key way that worked for me was to take my children to breakfast one by one.  As one of my children and I would leave the house, he or she paraded in front of the others as if to say, “We are going to get breakfast!”  In other words, “And you aren't coming.”  I made this a special time for each one.  I would use this time to talk and to build communication.  This would usually open up the door where I could put my reasoning into them without imposing.  </div> <bR> <div>      There is a struggle in the years beginning at age eleven to thirteen to find a way in your home with your children where you begin to build communication.  The beauty of paying the price to develop communication is the lifelong opening for parents to put our views into our children.  It is like a law of nature:  because we receive them and they realize we receive them, we can shape their reasoning.</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id397.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Always Dealing with Ourselves First"><U>continue with "Always Dealing With Ourselves First"</U></A></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>