During the first ten years of my walk with the Lord, I worried that my walk wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't forget my past sins, I felt very guilty when I thought of all the grace He had shown me. During this time, I used to fall often and then get up again. It seemed that everything - even God - was against me, and that only faith was on my side. Sometimes I believed I felt this way because I was trying to show, at the beginning of my walk, the same maturity it had taken other Christians years to achieve.

When I finally reached the point where I expected the rest of my life to be very difficult, I suddenly found myself wholly changed. My soul, which had always been troubled, finally came to rest in a profound inner peace. Since that time, I have been serving God simply, in humility and faith. Out of love, I try not to say, do, or think anything that might offend Him. My only request is that He do whatever He pleases with me.

I feel unable to express what is going on inside me right now. I'm not anxious about my purpose in life, because I only want to do God's will. I wouldn't even life a straw from the ground against His order or for any other motive than love for Him. Pure love of Him is all that keeps me going.

I have given up all my intercessory prayers to focus my attention on remaining in His holy presence. I keep my attention on God in a simple, loving way. This is my soul's secret experience of the actual, unceasing presence of God.

To sum up, I am sure that my soul has been with God for more than thirty years. I consider God my King, against Whom I've committed all sorts of crimes. Confessing my sins to Him and asking Him to forgive me, I place myself in His hands to do whatever He pleases with me. This King, Who is full of goodness and mercy, doesn't punish me. Rather, He embraces me lovingly and invites me to eat at His table. He serves me Himself and give me the keys to His treasury, treating me as His favorite. He converses with me without mentioning my sins or my forgiveness. My former habits are seemingly forgotten.

We have a God Who is infinitely good and Who know what He is doing. He will come and deliver you from your present trouble in His perfect time and when you may least expect it. Than Him for the strength and patience He is giving you, even in the midst of this trial, for it is an evident mark of His concern for you. Encourage yourself with His love and thank Him for everything.